Please? I don’t think you understand that every second I’m sitting here is like a tiny apocalypse of my universe. I can’t even get words out now - is this how lab rats feel? I feel like I should have a stronger grip on my own reality, but somehow my thoughts tessellate and I’m back at the beginning again, now where was I? I think I was supposed to be doing something. Maybe I did it already. I don’t really remember. Can the chemistry of our brains change so much?
What if I’m no longer chemically sound - okay, okay you know how sometimes you open up an electronic because you want to fix it maybe, or because you’re frustrated with it, I don’t know, but you open it up and then you touch it. You’re not supposed to touch it or change it if you don’t know what you’re doing but you touch it anyways because you’re frustrated and you want something to change. You move some things around or you unplug and replug somethings and you swear you’re keeping track of everything so that you can retrace your steps and put everything back. You swear you did it. But something snaps or breaks or you get frustrated again (I don’t know I guess I get frustrated a lot) and you can’t think straight and then maybe not everything goes back exactly the way it should. Maybe, but you’re not sure.
And then you put it back together and it’s never the same. Something’s just off. Something is just off all the time - maybe a little slow, maybe one button just stops responding, maybe… I don’t know. Maybe it’s fine.
Maybe it’s fine. Maybe nothing changed at all for me. I feel like like someone opened my brain and fiddled with it and closed it back up but not quite right. I can’t think straight. Come to mention it, I can’t even think crooked. I feel like it’s circles all the time. Short circuit, maybe. But then, everything might be exactly the same and nothing has changed at all. I wish there was a way to check all my parts. See if anything was missing.
This light is really distracting. I don’t remember how I felt, but I remember feeling strongly about something. And I don’t remember if it was better before, I just remember that it was different. I wonder if I should bother retracing my steps or just move forward.
All I know is I can’t sit here any longer.
Can I please go now?